Silentshell's Blog

silentshell — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 02:27:52 +0000

I love my new home

the chorus of frogs

a thumbnail moon

hung in the first purple blush of night

two owls fly lazy loops

around the cottonwood trees

a mated pair

I trudge in the field

eyes on the sky

feet in the mud

watching the way the light shines

through the old wooden boards

of the new chicken house

watching the north star bloom

like an eidelweiss

I love my new home

the warm windows

the honeysuckle

the swallows nesting in the barn

a cat sleeps on my truck

and wild turkeys down the road

chase broken down motorcyclists

thank you world

for putting me in your pocket

for spinning this gossamer web

for the brilliant colors

of the nightsky overhead

silentshell — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 06:57:35 +0000

One of the biggest lessons I feel Ive learned, perhaps a few times, perhaps a few times again, is that you have to be your own positive force of change in your life. As soon as you start relying on ANYONE else for self affirmation, for change, to make things better, the bottom drops out. Every vestige of self confidence and self worth flies unhinged to rest on the favor of persons and forces completely outside of your self, and that is not ok. And I find I do it, over and over and over. And I found myself sitting in the tub tonight wondering why. Why the vicious cycle, why when your on top, and self sufficient, do you suddenly find your self laid bare, all esteem winnowed by the thoughts or words of others. And when you look at it like that, it seems suddenly clear. A balance of nature. Give and take, you age, you learn, you learn again. And again.

And perhaps thats the difference between adult and child, the grey area, if ever we do Really grow up. The self awareness that no one else is going to fix things. No one is going to rush in and save the day if you cannot turn around and be willing to save it yourself. The funny thing is, once you make the decision, once you start, all the help and support rushes in. Anything becomes possible. But the moment you stop helping yourself, its over. I firmly believe I can manifest change and be a force of good in my own life, and then its possible. My biggest enemy has always been myself, maybe because I let it be that way.

For tonight, I am at peace; With rain on my rooftop, my belly full of cabbage. I am not daunted by my long lists and stresses and responsibilites. Well, maybe I am still daunted, but I understand now its not about the carrot anymore. I understand tonight at least. I wish I could write down my brain, take every neuron and synapse and translate it into letters, something more tangible. Thats why I love photography, it provides a medium for your thoughts. You don’t just look at a rose covered with crystals of frost. You can capture it and say, this is how I saw this rose covered with crystals of frost. Physically tangible, melt in your mouth satisfaction, because its lasting, not fleeting, I can look at this picture twenty years from now and remember the bone chilling cold, the way the grass snapped and crunched under my boots, frozen. The way the sun came up like a song over the gum trees and lit up the world like Genesis. Its still crystal and sharp and pure. Frozen moments, my time lapse life. I don’t just want to see and taste life, I want to remember it in all its overwhelming beauty, always.

silentshell — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 05:50:21 +0000

My ankle gave out twice today. No Bueno.

Boxes everywhere, chaos. Moving reminds me of my childhood, and not the parts I want to remember.

silentshell — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 19:27:36 +0000

You know its going to be a good day when you start it off by dancing around to Dire Straits in your pajamas.

silentshell — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 07:30:09 +0000

The wonders of doings and going ons of all us creatures never ceases to amaze me. I stand each day awed, I climb a mountain of thoughts and ideas like Edmund racing for the Summit. We are only here such a short time. We have such a fleeting love affair with this world, a blinking cinematic dialog and then a sheet of black smoke, you’re gone. Part of me wishes we could stay here forever, but I don’t throw myself into the longing with abandon, like I used to. It would be so painful if I did, I have to hold tight to some kind of straw of reality. These little wrinkles cropping up around my eyes are only going to get deeper, like the small streams fading into rivers, older, the journey more beautiful for the lines. You have to love yourself, you know. It sounds easy but so many don’t do it. They just deem their own self worth by the way they are perceived by others. You can’t do that forever, you might go any day, and the only way to bear it is to be able to do so in peace. I am really happy tonight. I am full of love. For me, for everyone around me, for life in all its terrifying beauty.

silentshell — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 02:47:39 +0000

Listening to wagon wheel and its bringing a flood a of memories with it, a deluge, I might need my foulies.

Life has been good and I don’t quite trust it because of this. I am used to Life ALWAYS left fielding me. I feel like any moment during this little New Year, Im just gonna wake up. A Mid Winters Night Dream. Were just cruising I feel like, a little paddle pushing the boat along. Ive been spending most of my day making Jewelry, listing it. Stopping for Coffee and getting lost for an hour here or there packing for the move. And stuff is selling, and its selling pretty good. And I am so beyond grateful, because the money is needing to go out just as fast, and I am so grateful because when I thought about these weeks before they started, I did not see a way in hell that we would ever be able to pull this off. I spent some time helping Wanda install the bare root trees this week. We got the place in Santa Rosa so we can start moving in the middle of this month. I started potting up the garden today, and I’ve been lining one side of the driveway with all the plants. I have realized just after this one day, that if I were a nursery, and not a Jessica, I would have over ten thousand dollars in living plant inventory, ones I’ve bought, and all the sick plants I take home from work and bring back to health, and others from cuttings and seeds. I could literally open a nursery today with this inventory. But the idea is to use all of these as mother plants. Thank god I am moving somewhere I can have a massive container garden, and still have room for the vegetable garden and chickens.

I have a job interview and a Nursery in Santa Rosa line up for Monday. If that doesnt work out I think I am going to try to talk to Emerisa. Its a massive wholesale growers nursery whose plants I’ve adored for years, and I just found out it will literally be right down the street from my new house, as in I wouldn’t need to drive there. So sweet if that worked out. The owners are from the Netherlands, actually Indonesia before that. I know the driver/son. Maybe he could put in a good word for me or something.

Rob might have a nice job lined up down there already too. There is such a good horticulture program at SRJC too. Ive been drooling over the spring schedule.

I think I should start buying decaf.

silentshell — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 01:16:32 +0000

A very busy day today. I finally got to the dentists office to make a payment and I told the receptionist I wanted to make an appointment because I think one of the sockets from my wisdom teeth extraction has been infected. They told me they would see me right away, they found a piece of bone in it, and that hopefully is why it hasn’t healed. He says if it doesn’t heal now I am going to have to go see a specialist, that its out of his expertise. I am really glad I went in, and I have the feeling its probably something I should of done a few weeks ago when it first started to hurt.

I’ll actually get to sleep in tomorrow. I can’t wait.

silentshell — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 05:53:28 +0000

Little Girl had her first bath in over two years today. She was not happy about it but she smells much better.

I am so tired its sickening. I don’t know how Rob is going to survive the night, he has reserves of strength I do not. He had to pour concrete slab and footings this morning at work but its so cold that it didn’t set, and now he and Terrance have to go out in the middle of the night to attempt to do the finishing, and if its still to wet they will just have to cover it and protect it from the freeze. They just took off into the night, and I looked at my pile of work here on my desk and realized that at the moment, tomorrow is another day, only sleep will keep the hounds of chaos at bay.

La Dulce Vida.

silentshell — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 21:16:34 +0000

As we drove down the road, exhausted, I saw a flash of gold ahead. Two mountain lions lounged on the asphalt, their bodies graceful, brilliant, unafraid. I drove right up to them, the studied us for awhile, then leapt away into the night. A wonderful end to the horribleness that was last night.

Yesterday was chaotic enough, but we managed to get a Christmas tree and as we wrapped it in lights the phone rang. It was Mike, calling for the millionth time this week. He has been drinking suicidally, not eating, wrapped in his blankets of depression, unable to take care of himself, talking about hurting himself and others. He was hammered. We decided to call the ambulance. A long night, a man in the ER died. His family in tears. We managed to get home at two in the morning, then the lions. An omen I think? A sign that things might change for us soon.

I feel like my life is a large clear pool, contained only with canvas and the thinnest of ropes. Rob and I got into bed and agreed the pillows and covers never felt so good. I took his dog, Little Girl away from him for the time being. We stripped his place of every drop of alcohol, we brought out the weeks old trash and the hundreds of bottles and cans and Mike says hes done drinking, but he won’t go to the VA, and he thinks its bad already but the DTs havent even begun to hit him yet. The days here are sunny but the nights have been bitterly cold, the frost everywhere.

Hopefully I will get some help from unemployment soon. At least Rob has work right now. We just have to keep pushing. Thank you world for mountain lions and rice and beans. Thank you for fires to keep us warm, chickens to keep yummy food in our bellies. Thank you world for a truck that runs, feet that can carry me, and a tree in our living room. Before I went to bed last night I turned out all the lights in the house except the tree and just stood awhile, looking at it. And it made me feel good to have it there, with all our homemade and inherited ornaments, and the bright lights, and I know as long as we try hard to do the right thing whenever we can we will get through whatever life sees fit to throw at us. Time to shower and revel in the luxuriousness of grapefruit soap. The little things in life. La Dulce Vida.

silentshell — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 19:00:33 +0000

I feel like I am running a race and Christmas is nipping at my heels. Oh that December were ninety days long. Soon I will be twenty six, another year older, another January to herald the march of time.

The Doctor sent me home with a nebulizer to treat my breathing over the weekend and put me on antibiotics. Ready to not be sick, but life’s been marching on regardless. All of Friday Night and all of Saturday were spent in EMT class, one more test and one more final, two ride alongs and the National Registry and I’ll be done. Excitement on the horizon.

I am happy to be here at home today, to get some work done. Last night Robbie let one of roosters sleep on the porch instead of in the coop. I wonder if he and Sancho had a fight. Rob and I talked about it and we think its time to cull Jessie James. He is a leviathan bully at best, and his aggressive behavior is contrary to the rest of the flock.

More coffee Time. Just had a delicious breakfast of beans and rice and fresh eggs. I really need some good new books. I feel unstimulated. I want to read something that inspires me. I really wish we had a decent library up here. The first thing I’d do if I won the lottery is build a giant beautiful library up here. I mean a really fantastic one, filled with at least a hundred thousand books. Apparently there was a pretty nice one here a long long time ago but it was burnt to the ground. I miss having stacks of books on my nightstand. Well, by my bedside anyway. Now we sleep in the loft, which is an adventure in itself. Both Rob and I have fallen while climbing down the ladder in the past week. Heights and Being Sleepy is a bad combination for us apparently, but the ladder is good for my ankle.

Time to get my groove on.